“For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a person may be weighed down by misery. Since no one knows the future, who can tell someone else what is to come?” (Ecclesiastes 8:6,7 NIV)
Along life’s journey, we encounter all sorts of events–happy, sad, exciting, devastating–all of which tend to mold our personalities and certainly to influence our decisions. Today, is not a happy day for me; in fact, it is somewhat devastating–on an emotional level. It is realization that history–repeats itself with alarming accuracy.
Over twenty years ago, my son informed his sister and me that he didn’t have enough graduation tickets for her since he wanted his “absentee father” and half sister to attend his graduation. I was so devastated and angry with his announcement that I told him if his sister–the one who had always been there for him, no matter what–couldn’t attend then neither would I. I didn’t go to his graduation and a piece of my heart broke that day that I’ve discovered has never healed.
Yesterday, my grandson informed us (tearfully) that he is upset (thinking too far into the future) when he thinks about not seeing the people he wants to see most at his graduation–in three years–his “absentee” mother and other siblings. I felt like that old wound was opened and my heart cracked again. I’ve mentioned my grandson before–an adorable thirteen year-old (if such an age can be described as adorable), who has lived with me for most of his life. The paternal side of his family has attended every major event of his life, made sure he had everything he needed, and loved him–ferociously–especially when he needed to be protection from his mother.
I would never encourage him to not love or disrespect his mother, but I can hardly understand why her presence would be so important to him in light of the fact that she hasn’t seen him for the last four years. I know–kids love their mothers and they should–but what about a grandmother’s love–doesn’t that count for something?
It’s just so ironic for me–first my son and now my grandson—disregarding the one person who cared for them the most in favor of those who abandoned them.
None of us can predict the future and no matter how I wish I could have predicted this outcome, I don’t think it would hurt any less. But I understand why God doesn’t allow us to know much more than we do. It’s a protective measure so we won’t experience some of the life’s sadness any sooner than we need to do so. I know we are born to die–unless some are alive when He returns, but I never thought about our being born to have our hearts ripped right out of our chests.
I’m not writing to elicit sympathy, but to vent and hopefully to heal since I have always found writing to be cathartic. Perhaps, before this day is over, I’ll begin to mend and even if I don’t, I know God’s love will eventually help me to get over the hurt and move on to do all that He has desired me to do.
I must admit, I’ve been wondering–if I had known this day would come, would I have spent my time and money investing in his future, the way I have? But since I didn’t know, I can certainly not go back in time to change anything and I don’t know if I would, if I could. Who knew trying to love and help someone else to have a better life could be so painful?
Lord, I’m standing in need of Your wisdom to move forward and not be angry at anyone for the rest of my days.